I think im going to throw up on grandma
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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