Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
