who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
