he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
