Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
