I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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