Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
