That's intense
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
