I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
