Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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