I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
