Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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