I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
