Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
