Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
