So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
