i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
