So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
