the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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