A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
