Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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