Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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