help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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