I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
