I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
