Will you blow on my dice?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
