whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
