we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
