I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
