I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
