happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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