You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
