I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
