Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
