She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
