I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
