Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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