He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
