Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
