i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
