Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Can Purell be used as lube?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
