I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
