he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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