he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
