I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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