and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
