Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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