omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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