Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
