high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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