dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
