I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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